A Completely Honest Cover Letter: from an Agoraphobic:

A Completely Honest Cover Letter:  From an Agoraphobic:

(If Cover Letters were actually honest)

Mr. B. Prior

Incognito Enterprises

231 Besure Dr.

CA

Sir Mr. Prior:

I am writing to express my interest in the job listed January 15, 2009.   I don't have much experience in the field of Sales, as listed in my resume below.  However, I feel the skills I do possess are an ideal match for the position, and I would be an asset to your company (in someway or another).

Requirements: 

• Previous Sales experience

• Excellent communication skills

• Flexible hours and readiness to travel 

My Skills:

• I have had very little successful sales experience. I once sold pot to the kids in High School, but quickly learned it was not my desired path of employment.  I am, however, a very lucrative Ebay-er.  I do all my shopping/selling online. I have excellent bidding skills, and come highly rated by other shut-ins. 

• My communication skills are sadly, not up to par. I spend most of my time talking to my cat and watching amateur videos on Youtube. I prefer to sleep during the day because I like to avoid people and awkward conversations.  Sometimes when interacting with people one on one, I like to create a diversion so that I may escape into my car, unnoticed. 

• Unfortunately, I do not travel at all.  In the past 3 years I have visited the  Dollarama and Dr. Silenko's office. This often results in panic attacks, which result in agitation, which result in long conversations with said cat. 

I am eager to get out of the house and into your office.  I believe that this would be an excellent opportunity for me to flex my social skills. I look forward to meeting with you in the near future. Webcam would be ideal. 

Thank you for your time,

Sincerely,

Jane DeLonely

*I would never genuinely mock agoraphobia. You might say, this is a little biographical. No, I've never sent out a letter like this.

Best Album Art of the Decade.

One of the reasons I still buy albums--despite downloads being free and simple-- is having that fresh digipak or otherwise album in my hands. Turning it over, examining it, reading over each page.  Ever since I was a child and discovered (and became a little frightened of) King Crimson's "Court of the Crimson King" in my parents collection, it's been a fascination of mine.  In fact, my dream job is to create album art for music that I love and hold dear. Fun fact: Did you know the late great Phil Hartman designed artwork for Crosby, Stills and Nash as well as Poco's album "Legend"? The aesthetic appeal of an album is a very important detail not to be overlooked. The Mass consumer market's aim is to overwhelm us with visual pleasure.  The better the product looks, the better the product. Of course that's a questionable logic, but it gets the money, doesn't it?  It's also something we connect with on a personal level. Some of these may not appeal to everyone, and the order is in no way indicative of worst to best. It's just a list.

Anyway, here's my list. Yes, I love all these albums.

20 Four Tet- Ringer   (2008)

Artwork: Jason Evans, Matthew Cooper

19. Sigur-Rós- Með Suð Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust  (2008)

Artwork: Ryan McGinley (photography)

18.The Whitest Boy Alive Rules (2009)

Artwork: Geoff McFetridge

17. The Rural Alberta Advantage- Hometowns  (2009)

Artwork:? It's brilliant! 

16. Freescha- Head Warlock Double Stare (2006)

Artwork: the Thrill of Death

15. Elbow- The Seldom Seen Kid  (2008)

Artwork: Red Design & Oliver East

14. Wintersleep- Untitled (2005)

Artwork: Paul and Jud, James Mejia. 

13. Radiohead- Kid A  (2000)

Artwork: Stanley & Tchock (Yorke)

12. Death From Above 1979- You're a Woman, I'm a Machine  (2004)

Artwork: (Design) JFK

11: múm- Summer Make Good  (2004)

Artwork: Dave Howell, Dave Thomas

10. Bright Eyes- I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning (2005)

Artwork: Zack Nipper

9. Autechre- Draft:  (2003)

Artwork: Andrew Rutterford

8. Molina & Johnson Molina & Johnson  (2009)

Artwork:  Daniel Murphy

7. Department of Eagles- The Whitey on the Moon LP.  (2003)

Artwork:?

6. Matthew Good- Hospital Music  (2007)

Artwork: Jeremy Crowle

5. Wilco- Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (2002)

Artwork: Lawrence Azerrad, Jeff Smith/Sundazed, Sam Jones (Photography)

4. Engineers-  Engineers (2005)

Artwork:  David Thorpe,  Maureen Paley

3.  The Memory Tapes- Seek Magic  (2009)

Artwork: Tomory Dodge, Voodoo Deisgn

2. Pedro the Lion- Control  (2002)

Artwork: Ryan Clark

1. Black Mountain- In the Future  (2008)

Artwork: Jeremy Schmidt

For...

Among haphazardly stringing lights and positioning bulbs on the tree, my mom brought out the yearly new ornament. She held it up to show me, and said she'd purchased it from a tiny store, run by a lady, Deb, in a small town. Deb resided above her little shop, and admitted to my mother and friend, that she had given in and turned the heat on because she was sure the customers wouldn't appreciate browsing in the cold.   As they all got chatting, as folks in small towns do, Deb revealed that she had had a recurrence of cancer, and that her 28 year old son was recently diagnosed as well. Her concern was entirely focused on her sons health, and she confessed that if she knew he wouldn't make it, she would lose all hope.  My mother bought a few of these beautiful ornaments from said store, perhaps subconsciously to support a small business owner, but more likely with the intention of putting something beautiful on our tree. As we put them on, she said aloud; "Deb has lit up our tree".  I then added the other, saying a little hopeful piece, "I wish you well, Deb". A moment later, while blinking my wet eyes, my mom told me about a similar meeting she had over the weekend. This time, the cancer had near immobilized a 24 year old girl who'd recently graduated and now was facing terminal cancer. My mother saw her stiffly shuffling through the store with the aid of a walker.  As I imagine with many terminal illnesses, the physical ramifications are startling, especially in someone so young.  I asked my mom out of curiosity, how it is she looked. "Gray, thin and serious". Exactly as you'd imagine.  

Or, maybe not. My moms cousin--one of the wittiest people I've ever known--is undergoing both radiation and chemotherapy, as she puts it, to "kick cancer in the ass". Literally. She's battling anal cancer.  Not a pretty thing to think about, maybe, but she'll find a joke in everything.  

I lost my Grampa to cancer last March. It was sudden. As a result of surgery. But it seems this disease is spreading throughout my life more than ever.  

I have no other reason to be writing and sharing this, other than complete a need to vocalize how these stories have affected me. I'm sure they've affected us all and will, unfortunately, continue to do so.

So, I guess this is for you Deb. For the 24 year old. For my mom's cousin. For my grampa that didn't make it. And for those of you who may be reading this with the same reality.   A wish that your battle is courageous and successful. 

SSRI army

Not feeling so much like candy anymore. 

"Oh Deary, Me". Acrylic on Canvas, Corel Paint Pro. 2005

Gripe? I've got a few

Dear TSN and conglomerates:

I am writing you--and by you I mean a stinging, corporate screen in an oversized office--as a disgruntled Habs fan.  Yes, I said it. I am a fan of the Frenchie's and I have been since Roy first graced my screen, wobbling his head emphatically like a real-life bobble head. I am Female. I am not a bitter ex-Leaf fan, turned in shame.  I just like a team that has heart, soul and the prettiest jersey's. 

I look forward to turning on my TV at 7:30 p.m., and seeing my boys listed in action. But, far too often I am disappointed with you, TSN. I do not look forward to seeing Table Tennis Championships from the Greek Isles or UFC/Boxing/Etc, taking up the spot of my Habs.  If I wanted to see the either, I could drive down to the local high-school and watch the wannabe tough boys pull off their latest UFC moves.  I used to have a ping pong table, I sold it for a Billiards one.  

It's not just you, TSN. No, It's CBC too! CBC-C, CBC-W, CBC-T, CBC-M (Montreal) all continue to carry solely Leaf games.  You must understand my rile. I mean, the Leafs haven't tasted victory more than  3 times this year.  Have you ever been to a Tykes house league game? You know that they let the clocks run because nobody wants to stand around while four year-olds take mini steps and fall down for three periods? Don't get me wrong, we all gotta start somewhere--and it's cute! But, when you're earning close to a million or more, that's not cute anymore. It is sucky. Very sucky. 

Now, I know you guys only get certain games allotted, I get that this is a business and money  is indefinitely involved.  That  is why I am only a viewer of sports. I don't care about the business end of things.   As a Canadian sports station, is it necessary to run a  Carolina vs. Nashville game when you could be airing one of the whopping five Canadian NHL teams?  The bastardization of the organization and it's cash-flow greedy suits, that's a whole other argument.  Hey- why not have a team for every state!  Fabulous!  Playoffs already run into June. 

I know there are stipulations here I am not understanding.  In fact, I don't understand myself. What the hell was I saying? 

Anyways, the point is simple: Why not showcase a team that has the honour of holding 24 Stanley Cup wins, Countless big names, and looks really pretty in their uniforms (except for the hideous stripe-frenzied upchuck as part of its centennial celebration) instead? 

Sincerely, 

A Habite.

Joni Mitchell

Today is Joni Mitchell's birthday.  If people are unfamiliar with her name or work, I'd invite them to walk off a cliff. Okay, maybe not that extreme. But, in the decade of Peace, Love and War, she managed to carve out a delicate balance of mood,  story and understanding through her music. She's an accomplished artist, and Canadian.  I love her.  Happy Birthday!

Here are a few of my favourite Joni songs. Enjoy! 

Fun Fact: 6 of Mitchell's albums,  were released in November.

California

Blue- 1971 

See You Sometime

For the Roses

1972

Furry Sings the Blues

Hejira 1976

1972

Halloween Mini-mix

My favourite day of the year!  I used to collect those Halloween themed tapes that played in haunted houses.  You know, the ones with church organs, howls and cackles.  Probably why I love Carpenter  (and put him on the list!) so much.

Happy Halloween, Dolls.

...a Psychopath Lisa Germano  

Witches' Song  Marianne Faithfull

Laurie's Theme (Halloween) John Carpenter

Cemetery Polka  Tom Waits

Your Ghost Kristin Hersh

In Dark Trees Brian Eno

Spooky Little Girl Like You the Zombies

House of the Rising Sun the Animals