A Completely Honest Cover Letter: from an Agoraphobic:

A Completely Honest Cover Letter:  From an Agoraphobic:

(If Cover Letters were actually honest)

Mr. B. Prior

Incognito Enterprises

231 Besure Dr.

CA

Sir Mr. Prior:

I am writing to express my interest in the job listed January 15, 2009.   I don't have much experience in the field of Sales, as listed in my resume below.  However, I feel the skills I do possess are an ideal match for the position, and I would be an asset to your company (in someway or another).

Requirements: 

• Previous Sales experience

• Excellent communication skills

• Flexible hours and readiness to travel 

My Skills:

• I have had very little successful sales experience. I once sold pot to the kids in High School, but quickly learned it was not my desired path of employment.  I am, however, a very lucrative Ebay-er.  I do all my shopping/selling online. I have excellent bidding skills, and come highly rated by other shut-ins. 

• My communication skills are sadly, not up to par. I spend most of my time talking to my cat and watching amateur videos on Youtube. I prefer to sleep during the day because I like to avoid people and awkward conversations.  Sometimes when interacting with people one on one, I like to create a diversion so that I may escape into my car, unnoticed. 

• Unfortunately, I do not travel at all.  In the past 3 years I have visited the  Dollarama and Dr. Silenko's office. This often results in panic attacks, which result in agitation, which result in long conversations with said cat. 

I am eager to get out of the house and into your office.  I believe that this would be an excellent opportunity for me to flex my social skills. I look forward to meeting with you in the near future. Webcam would be ideal. 

Thank you for your time,

Sincerely,

Jane DeLonely

*I would never genuinely mock agoraphobia. You might say, this is a little biographical. No, I've never sent out a letter like this.